What does my heart have to say?

35MM ILFORD HP5: Manhattan, NY

What does my heart have to say?

Silence comes over me with a resonance rising...

I've had the madness of imprinting consuming each thought, from the cutting of the chord.

This nervousness/nausea... I have buried my love with doings to please YOU.

YOU, this ever increasing breed of judgment. This ever increasing breed of condition. This ever increasing breed of avidity.

These doings are no authentic response of mine, YOU.

This tearing of my muscles to pay YOUr mortgage.

This staining of the flesh to clear YOUr trash.

This compacting of the soul to feed YOUr bottomless gut.

I've spent the day doubled over… between bouts of tears and rage… in attempts to “figure out” how to sell myself, for YOU.

My heart has nothing to SAY. She's exhausted.

Meaningless/Mindless talk, talk, talk. Eardrums bludgeoned Unremittingly/Unyielding talk, talk, talk...

My heart has nothing to SAY. She's exhausted, though beating…Unremittingly/Unyielding.

When does the reveal come?

35MM ILFORD HP5: Woodstock, NY

When does the reveal come?

I continue to search, to look, to bash my head against the walls of Irresponsibility’s frustration.

When does the reveal come? where? I tear at the eyebrow of this battered mind, scratch at the face of irresolvable disillusion….

When does the reveal come?! this layer cake of lies that began at birth…

There is no earthly reward for pursuits of the heart, only the good boys and girls who sat up straight in class and chugged down the bullshit with smiles on their faces…

UHF

35MM ILFORD HP5: Los Angeles, CA

Ultra High Frequency

I can recall the moment that I thought of giving all of myself, every drop of my heart to this gift/skill/desire, absolute devotion to the point of emotional/mental/physical collapse.

It could only lead to happiness/success/fulfillment.

“That’s it!”, I exclaimed to myself aloud.”I will follow my dreams to the great beyond”… “I will discover and embrace collaboration/worthiness/LOVE”!

I too, can recall, the moment I thought consuming LSD and Cocaine simultaneously would be a good idea…

It wasn't

35MM Kodak Portra 800: St. Petersburg, Russia

It wasn’t

In the crumpled dirty snow rising atop the Nevsky Prospekt, as I dragged my head/body off/across the walkway in search of my shoes

Before the end...

35MM ILFORD HP5: Los Angeles, CA

Before the end…

She came sparingly, when she came at all…

I understand now, through countless nights of abuse/breaking down through silence, that my lovers were/are a direct reflection of how I sincerely perceive myself.

Those positive affirmations of a drunken coward, the discount rags of self awareness, the running on fumes of emotional connectivity, no. not those.

The “why me”s the “not again”s…

hung headed chest poundings of 3am…

Willfully giving myself away to the worst I could find/attract.

I’d been gifted an authentic view from between the shatterings of my infant heart. Into the causal point of all my sufferings…That I chose to ignore this…

honestly…